My Journey - Our Story

Setting a Plan (having a vision)

2012-01-01T16:22:00.000+11:00

Having a vision and a plan has always been important to me. Of course, life hasn't always followed that plan... but a vision gives me something concrete to set my path towards. I guess it gives me purpose, feeling like I'm at least heading somewhere rather than just stumbling through whatever may come.

Today I have taken time to review my 'plan'. Over the past few days I've had lots of time reflecting on what has been, and now it's time to look at what might or will be. Looking forward is not always easy but it provides an opportunity both to dream and to create reality...

And Another Year Passes...

2011-12-31T17:26:00.000+11:00

The eve of the New Year (and its lead up) always has me thinking and reflecting... so what has 2011 been for me?...

2011 saw new 'adventures' as I travelled abroad with Steve and 2 wonderful friends - our first 'childless' holiday in 10 years... a journey that marked a significant change in lifestage and created beautiful memories that will last a lifetime...

2011 brought wonderful new opportunities in my career... the chance to share my skills and passion in working in an area that is dearest to my heart...

2011 meant 'letting go' as my baby started school and I faced life as a mum in a different capacity... with children who were becoming more independent than ever...

2011 brought the cementing of beautiful friendships - both new and old - blessed with the foundation of 'realness'...

But most significantly, 2011 was a year of growing self awareness... it was the year that I embraced my true self, really stopped to listen to my heart, and began to really take on a 'truer' way of life...

When I reflect on the year that has been I remember the tears that came with the challenges, but overshadowing those tears is the laughter that came with the joy, and the overwhelming sense of peace that sits with me today...

2011 was a year that I will remember fondly... and as I look forward with anticipation to the year ahead, I trust wholeheartedly that 2012 will be a year just as rich with blessings as 2011 has been...

With love always xx

Today we CREATED!

2011-08-15T18:44:00.000+10:00

Today we CREATED :)

A wall poster... big enough to need two of us to hold it up to the wall whilst bluetacking... to remind Jack of the brilliant things about himself :)

Flowcharts... colour coded with options and backup plans... to help Jack better survive the school day :)

Being faced with an increasing number of 'sad' and 'I'm a horrible kid' moments over the past few months, the time has come to 'grab the bull by the horns' and work at full speed in developing his positive self esteem and social coping skills... not that we ever stopped, but it's time to step things up a gear...

Lately the idea of Social Stories has had Jack running for the hills, but he's been receptive to the new creations of today... fingers crossed that with some intensive and repetitive role playing, we might see some positive developments :))

Make Your Own Rules... My Theory...

2011-08-14T17:40:00.001+10:00

So this is my theory...
We live in a world where society has expectations. As members of society, we often find ourselves conforming to 'what is normal' and 'what everyone else does'.
Well I think it's time to be different...
It was not so many years ago that mothers were the parent to stay at home and raise the children whilst fathers went out to work. Thankfully, society is starting to cope with changes to this norm, with more parents sharing the 'parenting / house keeping' role, to the extent that in some homes each parent works part time and children are raised to know both parents (or step parents for that matter... ) as primary caregivers.
So what about other expectations... what about other 'rules' that underlie many of the decisions that members of society make?
The questions that I have are...
Who says that sending a child to formal school is the proper thing to do? I know a number of families that homeschool for many different reasons. In fact, we part time homeschooled for 9 months at our house... because that's what worked for us...
Who says that to be 'happily married', a couple has to live together 7 days a week? I have a good friend who lives most happily (and whose marriage is most healthy) when she and her husband live together part time.... it works best for them, and best for their family...
So what rule have YOU made for yourself?...
With this concept in my head, playing with my thoughts and ideas, it is now my new rule to never look at a rule and believe that it is set in stone...
My new rule is to make my own rules... what works for my family, and what works for me...

And this is what a couple of my friends had to say...

Beautifully said ♥ (I'm guessing I am the 'good friend' in the part time marriage) and it does work. There are no set rules and NOTHING is set in concrete because things can change in the blink of an eyelid!!!! Fantastic Liss ♥ ♥ ♥

I like to be different but find that others have a hard time accepting that.

Today

2011-08-12T22:34:00.000+10:00

I'm grateful for what I have today... I am blessed xx

A little lost...

2011-08-02T16:37:00.000+10:00

I'm tired today, and wondering if it's frustration that I also feel??

It was back to work for me today... well, it was supposed to be back to work, but with Annie at home unwell, my day back to work became a half day back to work.

I wonder does anyone else ever have self doubt like I'm feeling at the moment.

I'm feeling lost at work.

I took a few days break from work last week, at the end of a hectic few weeks at home where I was spiralling out of control. Then of course you add today's half day, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm in the right place, or really doing the right thing anymore.....

Okay, so it was just a half day, you say, and everyone needs time off work at some stage for a 'mental break'... but I seem to have misplaced my 'heart' somewhere... and I'm sad and frustrated that I can't find it... that I can't slip back into the way that things were...

People keep making polite conversation... and I don't even have the energy to answer... or to think about answering... or to think about even looking like answering...

I'm tired... I'm lost... I hope I can eventually find my place again...

Dear Jack... Just So You Know

2011-08-01T16:55:00.000+10:00

Dear Jack,

If ever in the future, you should stop and wonder... I want you to know just how much we love you...

I want you to know how many tears have been cried for you... our hearts breaking whenever you felt sorrow... whenever you felt pain... whenever you felt misunderstood or alone...

I want you to know how many cheers have been yelled for you and kisses blown to you, across the breeze to your heart... our hearts swelling with joy as we watch you... just being you... beautiful you...

I want you to know how many battles have been fought for you... our hearts and minds totally immersed in doing what needed to be done... just for you...

I want you to know how many nights we held you in our arms while you were sleeping... and when you grew too big to hold in our arms, we cuddled you close to us, and stroked your hair just the way you like it stroked... all while you were sleeping...

I want you to know how often we talk to Pa, asking him to watch you from above, guiding you to be the very best you can be... guiding you in your journey of life...

I want you to know... just how much we love you...

..... all the way to the moon and the stars and back again... to little tiny pieces... forever and ever...

Mum & Dad xxxx

Finding the light

2011-07-15T22:10:00.000+10:00

The light is there... sometimes we just have to look in a different direction to find it...

June 2010 - A thought in time...

2011-07-15T20:29:00.008+10:00

It's a strange thing, reflecting on your life... suddenly seeing reasons for those moments... reasons for that sense of being on the outside looking in.

How do you ever get someone to understand that?

Lost

2011-03-10T12:36:00.000+11:00

My heart aches tonight...
For what was, what is, and what could be...
My boy is lost and hurting.
And I feel that pain.

Please make tomorrow a better day... please may he find safety...

Those Moments of Significance...

2011-02-28T21:22:00.000+11:00

At the time it was like drowning, and I clearly remember feeling like I was suffocating, and that I would never get out of it... I would never find my way back to any sort of normal life again...

Life was black at that time. I was functioning, although some days I wasn't even managing that.

During this period of time I have two moments that stick in my head... memories of significance.

I remember Jack arriving home on the mini bus from his after school program one day... and I remember completely breaking down in the driveway outside our home... I was alone, and couldn't do it anymore. Somehow the angels were looking down on me that day, and within 1/2 an hour, I had a support worker with us at home. I'm not even sure how it happened, but I'm guessing a phone call was made, and provisions were put into place. I'm very grateful for what happened that day. Not grateful that I had to admit I wasn't managing, but grateful that I was looked after, and had help set in place.

I also remember an evening... it was an evening where I had to attend a meeting. Steve was away again for work, and the children had a babysitter looking after them at home. I remember arriving home from this meeting, saying goodbye to the babysitter (with my happy face on) and then closing the door, and having an incredible sense of loneliness and fear wash over me. I felt completely frozen that night. My children were sleeping, and I couldn't move... all I could do was cry. I'm not sure how the text message came into play that night... not sure if I sent the 'SOS' or if it was my friend who somehow sensed that things weren't right. But she rang... and I cried... and although it was nearing midnight, she came to sit with me...
She sat with me that night for a long time, as I cried, and eventually found some words... I was lost... life was out of control, and I desperately needed to find a way back. I'm very grateful for what took place that evening. It was a turning point for me. My support was there, my friend was beside me, and it was time to move forward.....

I remember it like it was yesterday...

2011-02-28T11:40:00.000+11:00

I wish I had written more during that time... but I remember it like it was yesterday...

2009 was the year.

It began with Jack's school relocating to a new site - he had begun school in 2008, and a year later (with the original school site sold and a new school built), he was starting Grade 1 at a new school... yes, the students and teachers moved, but with new classes and completely new surroundings, he was essentially beginning again. Within a couple of weeks it was clear that he wasn't coping. I still vividly remember him lying on our bedroom floor one afternoon, in foetal position, shaking and crying... it had all become too much. By the end of March I was homeschooling him one day a week in the desperate attempt to keep some balance in his life.

Steve's dad sadly passed away in the June of 2009, but it was around April that we had really started to see the deterioration to his quality of life. Anxiety, uncertainty and grief moved like a wave through our little family...

It was in the May of this year that Steve began a job with a new company - the change was made as a step towards improving his job satisfaction and to further his career... what we didn't know at the time of his accepting this position was that the first 4 weeks in his new job was going to take him away from the family, with very little notice... he was able to make it home on weekends, but for a family that needs certainty and structure, this was a nightmare situation.

Throw a few other little things into the mix, like a mortgage refinance (to remain financially intact), and my taking on students for private tutoring to sustain our income levels (after I had to take time away from my casual teaching position due to the unpredictability of family life at the time), and of course the 'ASD assessment' road that we were travelling with Anna...

... life was spinning out of control... our regular routines had been turned on their head, uncertainty faced us at every turn, anxiety levels were 'through the roof', we were falling apart... more and more every day.

Taking that step.....

2011-02-26T14:01:00.001+11:00

My headspace has been shifting again recently... "My 'light' from deep within is finding a place to 'shine'..." but it's 'hooking' that place, and settling in comfortably, that is proving trickier than I first anticipated.

My dreams are big and my visions are huge... but I seem to avoid setting the detail in place... planning out the steps... what if I get it 'not quite right'?... a seemingly little, but huge thing for my head to deal with.

The focus required looms ahead of me like a snowstorm... I'm no stranger to focus, nor do I fear it, but it's what I may 'leave in my wake' that just adds to my avoidance of stepping forward. Am I ready to plunge myself in, and at the same time, be ready to pull myself out, everyday, and somehow find balance? Balance has never come easy to me... but I know it will have to be found...

And what if I've got it wrong? What if it isn't what I think it will be? What then?

I guess it's taking that risk... and being me.....

Are you brave enough to share???

2011-02-23T12:14:00.002+11:00

At different times in my life I have contemplated the whole idea of what we keep private and why...
How many of us go through life hiding things from others or pretending that things are different to what they really are?... Do we do this to protect ourselves? And if it's to protect ourselves, is it for a realistic reason or is it simply because we fear judgement or exposure (in which case it becomes a protection mechanism anyway...)
Does it matter if the person next to me knows how much I weigh or how old I am?
Sure, I probably don't want to share with everyone how much money I earn... but unless I had signed a privacy contract, would it matter if it slipped??? Really?...
I have no doubt that many of you reading this now have some very strong opinions on the matter of what should stay private and what is okay to be public, but the reason I'm writing this is definitely NOT to have a debate on the pros and cons of privacy, or to argue what should be private or not, but simply to get us thinking about our own stuff...
What if there was a big part of ourselves that we knew intimately, and that made us who we really are, but that we tried to keep hidden from the world? Why would we do that? What would be the point?... Would you be prepared to open yourself up and share what was true about you?
Surely there would have to be a point in time that we came clean with the world and released all that is us...
But what do you think? And would you be brave enough to share?.....

Different Success

2011-02-08T17:57:00.000+11:00

My kids are a little different to the 'typical'... and when you have kids who are different, you have some challenges and successes that are different too.

My gorgeous girl went to school wearing shoes today...

4 days ago, my beautiful boy managed to remember that it's a better choice to 'walk away' from an argument that can't be sorted out with words...

These are huge successes in our house, that we celebrate with much excitement and pride.

Our family might be different... but we're a good different, in lots of ways!

2010 & what it was for me

2011-01-03T18:49:00.000+11:00

2010 was the year that truth became my friend... personal truth in the sense of deep and honest knowing.

I've learned that finding one's truth, and being true to oneself, is the ultimate gift of peace. It's something that can't ever be taken from you, and something that will stay with you for eternity.

My truth has given me freedom. My truth has allowed me to be ME.

What was 2010 for you?

A Wednesday night thought :)

2010-12-08T21:53:00.000+11:00

Sometimes you think the wind is blowing you in the wrong direction...
"But wait! I want to go that way!" you cry... but to no avail...

What is hard to grasp the concept of, is that there IS NO wrong way... even in those moments of misery, our lives are being what they need to be... sometimes it's just really hard to swallow...

Being Aspie & What It Means

2010-10-10T14:31:00.001+11:00

A very close friend of mine :) recently shared what being Aspie meant for her...
(this is Part 1...)

Asperger's is one of those 'things' that lots of people don't understand. Lately I've been coming to terms with exactly what it means for me to be Aspie.

I like to think that I'm a person of reasonable intelligence. My IQ score suggests that I am, and my work performance and academic qualifications back this up too. But I'm a thinker. I often need processing time to think things through. I don't multi-task well - give me a job to do that requires complete focus, and it will be done to complete perfection, but don't ask me to think about 6 things at once - my brain doesn't like to do this, and I don't function at my best under these circumstances. And you know, focus is a valuable skill to have!

I have a couple of really wonderful friends. People who I can spend hours with, talking and enjoying their company. If you met me in the street and said hello, I'd smile back at you and say hello politely, and I might even make a remark about the weather or some other common 'small talk' comment. I've 'taught myself' to be very good at basic introductions, and I can sustain chit chat with people I know, but please don't ever leave me in a room with someone 'new' beyond the point of 'hello'. Just as importantly, never take me to a party and expect me to make 'large group chit chat' and mingle with the other party goers - if you somehow managed to get me in the room, I'd spend the whole time with my head spinning - I'd rather be at home... or doing anything else...

Funnily enough, I'm a teacher by profession. How does this work??... being in a room full of students, or with a group of young children? It's simple really - the classroom or learning environment is structured. Each lesson has a beginning and an end. Each activity has a purpose, and a certain 'checklist' of things that have to be done. And of course, when I 'teach' or work with students in a learning environment, I am doing 'my thing' - I am working with my topic of interest. In fact - give me my topic of interest, and any large group environment, and I'll cope so well that you'll wonder why I don't manage the other social gatherings. It's all about things being 'safe' for me, and knowing what to say and what to do at each moment. And even though socialising doesn't come easily to me, being this way doesn't make me any less of a person, it just means that I'm happy doing things in my own space.

I have certain little ritualistic behaviours, and yes, I have 'obsessions' - or as I like to call them, hobbies and interests :) Most of the time, people will be oblivious to my rituals and obsessions. I'm good at keeping them behind closed doors, although anyone who knows me really well will know not to make my bed for me, or not to hang out my washing in a certain way. My interests may become obsessive - but it just means that I become an 'expert' and that can be a good thing too.

Having my 'schedule' or timetable is very important to me. I like to know exactly what is happening when, and I don't take surprise changes very well. Most of the time now I can cope with sudden or unexpected change, but you won't always get the best out of me, and I may be a little scattered until I come to terms with the change. But on the upside of this - I'm very organised! And very good AT organising! Ask me to plan a trip or an event, and I will have the timing and plans organised to the very last detail. Calendars, maps and timetables are my strong point, and I'm great at keeping time!

My sensory processing a whole other story... but that's for another day...

My Vision

2010-09-05T22:00:00.000+10:00

I am blessed with love and inspiration...

My family is embraced with happiness and laughter...

I create wonderful things in my life...

My talents are blossoming...

I am blessed with beautiful friends...

Just a sample of my 'vision' for my life

I LOVE Wednesday

2010-08-25T09:57:00.000+10:00

Have I mentioned that I LOVE Wednesdays?

Wednesday is my most routine day of the week. The day is all about taking Annie to her swimming lesson, and then every second week taking Annie to her Early Intervention session (that she loves!!).

Wednesday is 'beautiful' routine without outside pressure. I can almost guarantee that people leave me to myself on Wednesdays... I'm not available at all for work, so no-one calls me... it's my day to be with ME (ahhh...)

Of course, I like to clean the house on Wednesday, and catch up on the little jobs that need to be done... but these things happen in MY time... when I'm ready for them to happen, and I don't have to answer to anyone at all :))

Ahh, yes... I LOVE Wednesday...

Lifting My Spirits

2010-08-15T16:46:00.000+10:00

Today's project... find a way to 'lift my spirits'...

Step 1... book a chocolate party - a friend of mine has just begun her 'Chocoholics Anonymous' party business, so it's exciting to be doing 2 wonderful things at once... supporting her and having an afternoon focused on 'chocolate'!

Step 2 in 'lifting my spirits'... this will be an ongoing project - to create my 'ME' book with pages of things that make my life feel beautiful. Another very dear friend suggested that I photograph myself in outfits that are uplifting and 'feel good'. What a great idea! I plan to use the photo's in my 'ME' book. (and inspire me to avoid 'frumpy' on those 'flat' days and choose 'lovely' instead). I will also use words, small momentos and other beautiful pictures and affirmations in creating my 'ME' book that I can pull out on those 'flat' days, to feel inspired and grateful for what is gorgeous in my life.

Oh and I have a chocolate cake baking in the oven... the smell of chocolate cake baking ALWAYS lifts my spirits...

Will the difference ever make sense?

2010-08-08T16:21:00.004+10:00

I don't know that the feeling ever goes away, deep down, it's still there.

It's been nearly 2 months now, since diagnosis. That sense of 'truth' and 'acceptance' that comes with the diagnosis goes a very long way towards 'normalising' life - life in the sense of what 'for oneself' is normal, but I don't know that it ever changes the feeling of being 'different'.

Last week I had the opportunity to hear a highly regarded ASD clinical psychologist speak. I have heard him a number of times, but it was this time that I found myself reflecting a little deeper on the characteristics of the 'active but odd' and 'passive' presentations of ASD.

I wonder does a person's 'odd' need for social participation ever change? It's this crazy need to be a part of a community or group in a social manner, but at the same time, being completely freaked out at the idea of having to 'socialise'! It doesn't make sense, yet somehow, it's reality.

It's like desperately craving solitude, but hating the idea of being alone. How does this work?

I guess it's all a part of the 'difference'. I hope that one day, the difference becomes easier to understand.

The trip to remember

2010-07-28T06:40:00.004+10:00

I've been home now for 2 days (after my week of being away) and am still feeling 'wired'. The settling back into a normal routine has been quite difficult, so Steve has been suggesting that I stop and think about the last week and try and put things into perspective.

So here I go...

Last Monday, I spent the day writing lists and packing for a week away from home. With all four of us going in numerous directions for the week, the packing involved a number of different suitcases and bags, and computers, work files and other necessary items and equipment. The schedule for the week ahead looked (and became) something like this:

Tuesday - family drive to Melbourne, we have to drop Steve off at hotel in city to begin 2 day conference, kids and I go to Doncaster to stay with Mum and Dad. The hotel Steve was staying at was different to the usual place he stays, so therefore different directions to normal, and searching for an obscure place in the rain and dark. Finally arrive at Mum and Dad's, unpack, and attempt to get kids to sleep :-)

Wednesday - quick trip to Doncaster shopping centre in the morning with the kids, where we are evacuated during a fire drill - have to settle the kids, and my own nerves about getting to the next scheduled meeting on time... kids stay with Mum and Dad and I drive to city to meet a colleague (and friend) before heading out of Melbourne for a trip to Albury. We drive in convoy, and arrive in Albury in time to navigate to our hotel (in the dark), dump our bags in our rooms, and attempt to find our way to a community EI consultative meeting. The GPS doesn't know where we're going, so have to get directions from the hotel receptionist who is not really sure either, but eventually finds where we're meant to be on Google Maps. Arrive at the meeting (a room full of people - Aspie nerves kick in) where we meet people who we have been emailing and speaking with on the phone - now to put faces to names. 2 hours later the meeting finishes, we have successfully networked our little socks off, and we head to fast food restaurant to debrief and prepare for meeting the next morning. Finally get to bed at around 11.30pm but don't sleep much... head still spinning from the days events, and the multiple phone calls from the day, sorting out family issues (even when I'm away, I'm still the one to fix everything...)

Thursday - up early for a meeting straight after breakfast with 'important people' from meeting on night before. Spend the morning in another successful meeting, discussing and touring school in Albury. Then on to coffee shop with colleague/friend for debrief, lunch and more debrief before heading back to Melbourne (while colleague/friend headed for Echuca). Arrive in Melbourne for peak hour traffic, attempt to find Steve at a hotel that doesn't appear on GPS before heading to Steve's mum's house to stay the night... (should have mentioned the swap over for kids that day - had been transferred from grandparent to grandparent, to allow my mum preparation time for the trip away the next day...) Spend the evening with the kids, updating work files and checking in for flights the next day... finally fall into bed, but again struggle to sleep...

Friday - up at 4am, dressed and in the car heading to the airport for the 6am flight. Steve drops me off and I meet up with my family and brother's friends for the 'wedding trip'. 2 flights later (including being paged at Brisbane airport for running late) standing on the jetty at Gladstone meeting the family of the bride for the first time (Aspie overload). Bride's family is Belgian, but thankfully have good English speaking skills. 2 hour trip by launch to island with everyone around me being sick (apparently the worst trip the launch had had in 3 years), finally arrive on island, and aspie nerves kick in as organisation falls by the wayside as the staff deal with all the sick people. I make it through the rest of the afternoon, and a lovely 'wedding pary' dinner, making small talk, and again, fall into bed... still not sleeping much.

Saturday - wedding day... after breakfast with all the wedding party and guests, manage to find some time to relax and lie on the sand... thankfully... by lunchtime get caught up in wedding preparations and helping get others organised. Get myself ready, and arrive at the place of wedding ceremony just before bride. My little brother is very handsome, and I become a little emotional watching him marry his new wife. Spend the afternoon and early evening at wedding reception but call an early end to my night, and sneak out just after cutting of cake and the bridal dance. When I fall into bed, the stomach begins churning... considering I haven't been drinking alcohol, the combination of 24 hours of rich food and days of tiredness finally gets the better of me, and I make a mad dash to my parents room for 'something' to settle the stomach. Too late, I'm sick, and then thankfully fall back into bed for a good night's sleep.

Sunday - make the lovely decision to have breakfast on my own (need some head space) and spend the morning packing up my bags and then enjoying the beautiful island. I manage to fall asleep on a deck chair. Time to leave the island, make an uneventful journey back to the mainland via 2 hour launch trip, only to discover on arrival at Gladstone that I have sunburn that makes a beetroot look pale. Slap cream on the sunburn (as gently as I can) and try to cover my neck with a scarf... the flights home begin, to Brisbane and then to Melbourne. Arrive in Melbourne at 10.20pm, to be greeted by Steve and kids (who have spent the weekend in Melbourne with Steve's mum) before making the drive home to Echuca. Arrive in Echuca at 1am, and finally find my bed at around 2am... a great weekend, but so glad to be home...

A request...

2010-07-27T08:53:00.002+10:00

Dear Life,

Please provide some balance and order very soon.

I have great respect for your need to challenge me, but I so desperately need some breathing space.

Yours faithfully...

The Mountain

2010-07-15T09:44:00.003+10:00

It's like these hurdles just keep jumping out at me, jumping out at me...

Sometimes even when the mountain is in front of us, we still don't see it. Like travelling along a desert road - there are plenty of rocks along the way that somehow have to be navigated, but we find ways to get around them, and we keep thinking that if we just find a way to get around each rock, and perhaps alter our driving a little, that we will make it to the smooth part of the road.

But the mountain is there, and no matter how many rocks we navigate, and no matter how many times we think we've made it through the rockiest part of the road, the mountain looms ahead and eventually we arrive at it.

I arrived at the mountain last night.

Months and months of therapies and strategies have now landed me here... and not that the mountain is really that bad... it's just big.

Annie's anxiety has reached the point that it now effects everything that she does in her young life. So we add the psychologist to the list of priorities... in fact, it hits the top of the priorities... it's just finding a way to somehow breathe through the daily challenge of making it along that road.

And yes, I know, it's the autism road... I don't think it was ever meant to be smooth...

Overwhelmed

2010-07-13T16:51:00.002+10:00

The spiral down is horrible, paralysing in fact. It’s like this intense screeching going on all around you, and being stuck, unable to move. Every time the phone rings, every time the email beeps, every time a text message appears, the body sinks further and further into the intensity. Why won’t these people leave me alone? Don’t talk around me. Don’t expect me to think and respond. Don’t ask any more of me! Please!!! Can’t you see it’s just hard enough breathing!?! My head screams on the inside. It’s the only way to drown out the screeching from the outside. I’m paralysed. I do nothing. But tears fall and the body shakes. I need space and I need to breathe.

Overwhelmed... I’m simply overwhelmed...

Change

2010-04-25T14:57:00.004+10:00

Change can be a wonderful thing - bringing new opportunities, new ways of thinking, and new experiences.

What if, though, we liked things the way they were.

What if, there were things that once gave us great joy and pleasure... but they disappeared somewhere along the way... they seemed to blur a little into the haze...

Change can be hard, and change can take some time to adjust to, especially if we crave 'the way things were'.

I'm learning that it's okay to grieve change... it's just a matter of finding a way to overcome that emptiness, and finding a way to move forward.

The Autism Road...

2010-03-22T22:13:00.003+11:00

... can be bumpy and long, and when you stop for a rest, do you have someone to help with your luggage?

Come by my place whenever you can... I'll help you with your bags...

xx

I have 1 friend

2009-12-01T15:48:00.003+11:00

"I don't have any friends", she says with her little innocent sing song voice... "oh yes, I do", she says, "I have 1 friend".

And my heart aches, and my eyes prick with tears. My little girl, almost five years old, and can only tell me the name of 1 child in her kindergarten class... and who reports to not have any friends.

Friday again...

2009-11-20T11:32:00.004+11:00

It's Friday again... already!!

A few little panic attacks over the last 48 hours (and that's me I'm talking about!) but thankfully things are now a little more settled.

Steve finally picked up the letter from Annie's paediatrician yesterday - the 135 Autism Report that was needed for our 'Helping Children With Autism' funding application. All of last night and for most of this morning I was panicked because I couldn't see that it actually gave the definitive diagnosis of autism that was needed for the funding application. Thanks to a 'calmer' friend (Linke) I found the words that I needed and for some reason had missed altogether! I think this gives an indication of my head space this week!!

The weather has been playing havoc with us all. Abnormally high temperatures have made sleeping difficult this week, and have meant that the kids are more tired than usual. Pair this with a few 'bumps' in our respite arrangements, and the excitement of Jack's birthday earlier in the week, and yes, hectic it has been. Slightly cooler weather is forecast for this weekend, and Steve and I have an appointment this afternoon to review our current respite arrangements, so hopefully we will start next week feeling a little fresher!

Separation Anxiety

2009-11-19T09:41:00.003+11:00

Separation anxiety seems to be worsening at the moment - with Jack, that is...

Our mornings have become a routine of; arrive at school, Jack refuses to get out of the car, I send a text message to Cheryl (Teacher's Assistant) for help, and then we both work at coaxing him out of the car, and then it's either a walk into school with Cheryl or a mini tantrum outside the school gate. Either way, I disappear and Cheryl handles things. It's not the easiest way to begin the day. Even though I know he settles really quickly once I drive away and he gets to the classroom, I'm still left with that sinking feeling.

We've tried different strategies throughout the year in the attempt to make Jack's arrival at school as smooth a tranisition as possible, but then we seem to end back with the separation anxiety again. So I'm needing suggestions, ideas, help???

A phone call

2009-11-18T10:07:00.003+11:00

We received a phone call from SIRT yesterday evening - I think this stands for Specialist Information Referral Team?? But anyway, we met with one of the team members some weeks ago in regard to Annie, and organising her early intervention program. Annie already has regular speech therapy sessions, but we thought a more rounded program might be worth looking at.

So back to the phone call... The phone call we received yesterday was to offer Annie a place with an early intervention service. Firstly I was very excited that we had made the top of the waiting list so quickly! In our initial meeting we were told that it would likely be next year before a place was available. But then I spoke... not necessarily a bad thing that I did, in fact more of a good thing really, but it means we wait again.

The service that we were offered wasn't our first preference. Have you ever had that torn feeling; Do I or don't I? What happens if I say no to this one? What happens if I say yes to this one? Well, I said "we'd like to wait, thank you"... and whilst it means we wait a little longer, it also means that we have now been listed specifically for the service that is our preference. I'm kind of excited, knowing that we did move through the list quickly, and I feel in control of my decisions.

Now just to get Annie's Helping Children With Autism funding sorted...

Jack - 8 years old today!

2009-11-17T11:40:00.002+11:00

Today is Jack's birthday and my baby boy is 8 years old.

Where the time has gone I do not know, but the changes that we have seen in Jack over the past few months have been incredible. He seems to be maturing, and whilst in some ways his autistic traits are becoming more obvious, in other ways he is really developing in terms of self-control and his ability to make appropriate choices.

The future is bright for my beautiful boy, and I look forward to seeing what the next year brings.

I love you Jacky xx

Reflection

2009-11-16T12:59:00.002+11:00

My moments of journalling have been few and far between of late. Life seems to take over... funny that...

For some reason I often seem to reflect on life at this time year. Perhaps it's the kids birthdays that bring up memories, or perhaps it's that the end of the year is nearing and that brings up the moments of reflection. Either way, I spend a great deal of time thinking about where we are as a family and where we have come from over recent times.

So I'm touching base with my journalling, with the hope that I will remember to journal more often, and with the hope that I may remember to note down some of the thoughts of the past year as they come to mind.

The diagnosis that brought peace

2009-09-26T07:37:00.007+10:00

I felt at peace that day.

Not that all our family challenges were gone, and not that life was going to be simple and straightforward from here on, but I had an answer I needed for myself.

In many ways I see myself in Annie - similar traits and similar 'make-up'. And I guess Annie's diagnosis makes my own 'stuff' okay.

Annie's diagnosis has brought more acceptance of myself, and it has allowed me more honesty and truth within myself. It's okay, I'm okay, and with this comes an opportunity to grow.

Nearly 5 years into my beautiful girl's life I'm starting to recognise the healing that she is bringing to my life, and with that comes peace.

xx

In the quiet

2009-09-12T09:23:00.001+10:00

It's not often that I like to be up and out of bed at 5.30am, but this morning I was... enjoying the stillness of the house, on my own with just Max the cat to keep me company.

All too often life picks us up and throws us into a frenzy of 'busyness' where we simply struggle to keep up with the basic 'to do's' and where 'going through the motions' becomes the norm. And I know that too easily I fall into a pattern of rushing through the craziness of life.

But this morning, at 6am, as I hung the washing out in the quiet of the day (and spent a few moments saying good morning to Raph the dog), I stopped and listened to the birds waking up, and I felt really alive and in touch with all around me. I must have time like this more often... I must...

And then there were 2

2009-09-03T19:25:00.001+10:00

The last 24 hours have been a bit of a whirlwind, and life feels a little surreal. Even when you know something is coming, it feels very strange to actually hear the words, and to actually have your instincts confirmed.

About 2 years ago I started to wonder, and about 12 months ago I started to search... yesterday I got my answer...

Annie has been diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum.

So I begin my day today contemplating life with not 1, but 2 children on the spectrum. My beautiful kids stay exactly the same, but life may take just another little detour - thankfully this time the path is a little more familiar...

A Lion's World

2009-07-13T06:59:00.005+10:00

I often look at lions, and they remind me of Jack. It could be that his obsession with lions and love of lions has me make the connection, but it seems that it's more than this.

The lion is powerful and strong, and has an innate ability to sense what is going on around him. He is king, and leads and controls his pride singlehandedly. He has an aura about him that radiates leadership and strength. Those close to the lion know that they will be protected always, and those who meet or come across the lion know that they must watch their step - for the lion doesn't tolerate those who cross him, or those who are underhanded or sly.....

To me... the lion is a beautiful creature, and one that I will always have a special place for in my heart. xx

Love Is Magic

2009-07-11T20:56:00.003+10:00

"One of the greatest discoveries I've made is that nothing is missing; it's always equilibrated, and we're always surrounded by whatever we love. Just as in a relationship, where the more you try to change your partner the more they resist you, the more you try to change the world into your fantasy of how it should be, the more it bites you. Love it for what it is, and you have the power to transform it - not because you need to change it any longer, but because love gives you the power to do so. Love is magic." (Dr John F. Demartini)

Travelling the journey - 2 years post diagnosis

2009-07-08T17:19:00.008+10:00

It was this week, 2 years ago, that Steve and I sat together in the psychologist’s office, hearing that yes, autism it is.

My life, and my perspective on life, has changed dramatically since then. I am a different person. I am a different parent. I have a different outlook on life. My journey, since that day, has taken me places that I never dreamed, and my journey has turned me full circle, many times over.

Today I reflect on my fellow travellers.

I have travelled many roads, often beating a track through wilderness, and often blocked by fallen trees and ‘scrub’ that left me scratched and bruised. On my quest to the top of the mountain, or the edge of soaring cliffs, I have left many fellow travellers behind – some that weren’t up for the journey, and perhaps some that didn’t know how to be part of the journey. And I have picked up a few travellers along the way as well – the rugged and determined type. Those who don’t mind climbing the rock face or wading the moving tides. Those who come prepared for all types of conditions.

Travellers on my journey have to come prepared to weather storms. They have to be prepared to hold my hand as the storm lashes. They have to be prepared to sit and wait whilst the winds die down. They have to be prepared to shelter from the burning sun. And they have to be prepared to walk with me – together with me.

The part of the world where I travel can be both beautiful and treacherous – nature at its best. The part of the world where I travel is pure and natural – not a facade to be seen. But there are rainbows to be found, and usually they are brightest after a storm. And they are brightest when viewed and enjoyed by all my fellow travellers – together. Yes, you see, the rainbows are most luminous when my rugged travellers come together. When we hold each other’s hands and push on to the top of the mountain, and when we pull each other up the side of the cliff. And then we find the rainbow. And for a moment the world stands still – and we feel blessed with what is before us. There is love. And we have the strength to take the next step on the journey.

To my rugged fellow travellers – I thank you. I am blessed to have you by my side.

A Bittersweet Weekend

2009-06-15T09:07:00.002+10:00

With a SPOCAAS shopping trip to DFO (Direct Factory Outlets) in Melbourne planned for Saturday just gone, the weekend was shaping up to be a fabulous one. I'd been busy saving my cash, and had my shopping list planned. There were 8 other excited SPOCAAS mums who had done the same, and with the bus booked, and the driver and his co-pilot ready to go, nothing was stopping us!!

We boarded the bus in Echuca at 8am sharp Saturday morning, and we were on our way, giggling like school girls and chatting non-stop! With a quiz to complete along the way (sharing some things about ourselves - that had some very funny stories told and lots more laughter) the time flew, and after a short rest stop in Kilmore we arrived in Essendon at DFO even earlier than anticipated, and ready to shop!

But wait... coffee and cake first... ahhh, a great way to start our shopping experience. And then we were off and away... and DID WE SHOP??? We shopped until we dropped... for lunch that is! A short break for lunch, to refuel our bodies and show off some of our purchases (and of course send some packages back to the bus - thanks to our fabulous co-pilot Rob) and off and away we were again.

I hear from the other mums that the bus arrived home in Echuca an hour later than anticipated!! (I'm assuming the shopping got caught up in a time warp! LOL) Unfortunately I had to depart early when Steve and the kids picked me up from DFO - yes, we had some pressing family needs that we had to attend to.

As a bittersweet end to my day, Steve, Jack, Annie and I visited with Steve's dad late Saturday afternoon. It was the second last time that we would see him. Spending Saturday night with Steve's mum, we again visited his dad on Sunday morning, and the kids and I said our final sad goodbyes before leaving Steve to have some time with his dad, his mum and his brother (who had flown in from Sydney on Sunday morning). We later picked up Steve and travelled the seemingly long journey home to Echuca.

It was a weekend that seemed to go on for a week, with us experiencing every 'season' possible - from great excitement to great sadness.

We now wait for news on Steve's dad, with our hearts a little heavy, and praying that peacefulness will come quickly...

With love xx

Here I am again... back and blogging

2009-06-12T14:04:00.001+10:00

Well, here I am... only a few months ago did I leave blogging behind, to have found suddenly that I need it again...

Life is all about ups and downs.

Right now in my life... or should I say 'our lives' (meaning those of my beautiful little family)... we are facing challenges that many people in the world face, but challenges that are still very hard to come to terms with at times.

Steve started a new job recently and has been away from home for generally 5 out of 7days for the last month. The kids are now just starting to cope with this, and thankfully we are nearly to the end of this part of his new job. Soon he will be home again with only the occasional stay away.

But just as one upheaval ends, so to does another one intensify. Steve's dad has been living with cancer (melanoma) now for about 2 years, and within the next few days, possibly a week or two at most, it is likely that we will be saying goodbye.

Like I said, stuff that millions of other people live with and face... but not easy regardless.

So here I am back and blogging... I'm hoping my little journal will help me through some of the more challenging moments ahead...

And for those of my friends who used to follow my blog "Managing Autism"... yes, I will again continue to share our family's story as we travel on our journey...

With love xx

One of those vague days

2009-04-25T10:56:00.001+10:00

It's going to be one of those days, I can see already...
The last week has been hectic, to say the least, and a few hours out without the kids last night meant the body started to kick in to relaxation mode. So this morning has been a little slow. The kids were kind enough to sleep in a little - Annie arrived in our room at 7am and Jack didn't wake until about 8am - lovely! And then when the cat curled up on the bed against me (once the kids had disappeared to make breakfast) I closed my eyes and hoped that the rest of the family might forget about me for a few hours and I could just drift off into dream land... okay, so I wasn't quite lucky enough for that to happen, but it was nice to dream it for a moment or so...
The sky is grey and so perfectly matches my vagueness today. It's kind of like a 'content' vague... yes that describes it better. The head is in a sort of nothingness - to the world around me - but is thinking enough just to be within myself... okay so maybe that doesn't make much sense... but that's the perfection of feeling vague :-)
And when the cloud lifts... well, I can think about that then...
Have a lovely day everyone x